Her thoughts. The one in my head when I'm not there. Gatekeeper.
Medieval chicken in my kitchen. Just before Covid-19 shut off visits to Canada, I was there for a weekend in an Airbnb. Medieval Times was on my itinerary, but one sister had other ideas. I had been trying to get back to Canada since that visit. Then my son David and his girlfriend surprised me with a birthday gift. I was told to have my passport and that we were going to Canada. The drive was long, and after a couple of hours, the surprise appeared.
Who will win?
It’s been a long time since I was so tired that my body started falling asleep while I’m still awake. Right now, at 10:41 p.m., it’s starting at the top of my right shoulder. Arthritis and carpel tunnel are sending aching messages to my hands and fingers. These I am not used to but not surprised about. Shoulder fatigue, that’s a rarity. I will be off work in 19 minutes. It will be the end of the week for me after a 15-hour shift on Monday. It was an 8-and-a-half-hour shift yesterday and a 10-hour and 45-minute shift today. Hence, I have a fatigued shoulder. My body continues to complain that at age 73, I should be retired from a job that has me lifting an almost thirty-five-pound patient from crib to wheelchair or from wheelchair to floor and back again. I should be working from home to complete and submit my writing. At what age do you walk away from homecare nursing? I have been with this little girl since before her 1st birthday. She will be 7 in April. It’s not just my shoulder. Everything aches sometimes. At what age do you walk away? When she’s 7, or when I’m 74?
We recently buried one of my oldest friends. Ruth died on the 10th of November and a snow storm postponed her funeral until the following Monday. I have lost many friends over the years. Exes. Baby daddies. And today I found out that 3 weeks before Ruth died, another friend died. This was mentioned in Ruth’s obituary. People are dying from broken hearts. Ruth’s cousin was like a sister to her and I was told it was this cousin’s death that killed Ruth. They told me the cousin, Earlene, lost a son and that was the reason she died. My youngest child’s best friend Tamara died at 32 years old. She’d had a baby die at 2 months old a few weeks before her death. No matter the diagnosis, a broken heart can be an underlying cause of death in some cases. My oldest brother was killed in Vietnam in August of 1966. My mother died the year before in December. My last memory of my brother was him leaning against a fence and crying because he would have walked into our apartment and seen our mother dead on our living room floor. So many deaths in my life. I grew up with it. Older sister, older brother, my mom. Older cousins, younger cousins. A 5 year old nephew and a 6 year old niece died three weeks apart. Death is so constant in this family that it is like an intimate relative. Years ago I lost a grandson who didn’t live long enough for me to meet him. More recently I lost a great grandson who came into the world after God had already taken him back. Stillborn. The ones you get at the same time you lose them. The ones who leave before their memories are tangible but are memories nonetheless. A tiny body wrapped in a blanket. A tiny cap on their head to keep in warmth that no longer exists. And you, wishing you could breathe them into this world even as you wonder about the future of the ones already here. Just love them. The ones here and the ones already gone. Just love them.
A long while. I’ve gotten productive during this Covid situation. I posted a story on a blog on WordPress years ago and have recently begun some serious editing. I haven’t seen any of my siblings or cousins who I once saw during holidays and even weekends. So writing is on my front burner where it should have always been. Thanksgiving is going to be a curbside occasion with children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren not visiting so much as stopping by, wearing masks, and grabbing food in to-go containers. I guess it’s better than not seeing them at all, though there will be many I won’t see. Birthday gatherings and graduations have been via Zoom meetings but that has its rewards when the meetings are nationally held. So, you take the good where you can, look beyond the bad, and count your blessings. Happy Thanksgiving to all.
I’m at work, washing my hands in my client’s kitchen and I have this thought. You see, there has been no communication between me and Chris since my poetry and his money request. So I want to post to messenger, this thought, ‘During the day, your mind is full of distractions. At night,
![20150723_211851[1]](https://shesfightingforherfreedom.files.wordpress.com/2015/08/20150723_2118511.jpg?w=300)
in the stillness of dreams, questions unanswered will form. While awake amid the sleeping hours, if you listen to your heart, there are the what ifs, the maybes, honesty. You see clearly, finally. All is revealed, in the midnight hour.’
This is what I want to post, and what I will post. It’s all a lie though, because I didn’t dream questions, and I sit here now thinking the answer to the ‘why’ of me and Chris is…
“Insanity,” says my mind.
Wow. Where did that come from? I didn’t even know that my mind was awake. I’m just barely awake myself.
“I never sleep,” says my mind, “Why do you think we’re so tired all the time?”
I figure, take a swig of coffee and start drinking some Pepsi.
“Or just stand up,” says my mind.
I talked to Andrew today, about our cousin’s death. Andrew mentioned the possibility of genetics with the causes of death in our family. Strokes and such. He says he’s been warned that it can happen to him. Also blindness and Diabetes complications.
“So Chris is nothing compared to that stuff, right?”
You’re right, I tell my mind. Chris is nothing compared to a lot of stuff going on in this family. Still, I can’t flush him from my system.
“Yeah,” says my mind. “Something as simple as shutting down messenger. So what if he doesn’t try to reach you some other way. Kill it quickly.”
Now I have to smile. My mind and it’s dramatics. It does have a point. I talked about Chris and the frequency of his (phony?) break-up concerns, but how about my ‘shut down messenger’ thoughts. It’s all getting annoying, tired, old, boring, STUPID!!!!!
“Yes. Very,” says my mind. “And do we have to end it? Do we have to say goodbye? Why can’t we just let it go? You know, like the couple of one night stands you had in your past life. You even left relationships without a backwards glance, left them wondering where you went. Left them with a ‘What. Really?!! To coin Chris again.”
I smile again. I love my mind. Too bad the two of us together are still indecisive. I don’t know. I guess I get some kind of something or other from hearing from Chris now, but not at the cost of me chasing a response anymore. There was the shadow thought of my mind earlier.
“Yeah. The thought that floated away half conceived. Wait, what was the thought?”
Now we both have to pause, my mind and I.
I remember. This, after about ten minutes.
“So do I,” says my mind. “No alarm, just an ‘if we don’t hear from Chris by…’ cut off point. A deadline. Then we shut down messenger.”
You’re right mind. That was it.
“So, what’s the shut-off date? Lol. Like your water.”
Lol. That’s not funny mind, that’s not funny at all.
“You want to get your little black book?”
Got it. July 4th.
“Independence Day it is. Are we still doing the post?”
Not sure. Unless I can do it here on the tablet.
“Let’s try it.”
I guess I’m not the only hopeless romantic.
“I don’t know about the romantic part, lol.”
Lol.
More than an hour later, maybe two, we did the post. So we’ve done our part.
“I feel our heart beat racing. Is this what ‘love dying’ feels like?”
I don’t know mind of mine. I don’t know.
CHRISTMAS WRITING PROMPT #8: FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS FILM
There are quite a few Christmas movies I could list. Of course 
makes the list….the black and white version.
Then there’s a little known film
next there’s 
but my all time favorite is and
always will be
This movie introduced me to Natalie Wood. She was 12 years older than me and I felt so close to her. I have seen every movie she’s in that I could find. When she died I went into mourning and felt I had been cheated out of the chance to meet her. Had I had been as savvy before her passing as I am now…I know I would have met her somehow. That is why “A Miracle on 34th. Street” has the number one Christmas movie spot in my heart.
https://ceenphotography.com/2016/09/14/cees-which-way-photo-challenge-september-14-2016/
He could be going to church, or he could be just crossing the street.
https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/twinkle/
The twinkle in your eyes hid the lies you fed me that I swallowed like chocolate while staring at your dimples the bitter after taste coming much too late.
shesfightingforherfreedom 