Kitchen Blog: Going to Cleveland 4/11/2014

In my kitchen early, frying chicken by 0630. I want the chicken crispy and flavorful. Seasonings of choice…a little garlic powder…pepper…seasoned salt…paprika. Some right on the chicken. Some added to the flour coating. Not much choice here, chicken travels well once cooked, and we’re heading to Cleveland.

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My mind says, “Cleveland, where Chris lives.”

We’re sitting in the Greyhound bus station, waiting for the bus and our cousin Deloris.

So now I’m feeling some unnamed way and I see Chris from my mind’s point of view, but Liam is also there, and wtf is all this? My iPod is playing and I’ve critiqued two Zoetrope pieces and maybe I’m hungry for chicken, but I am either missing, or trying to miss Chris.

We’re going to see Auntie and I think of her and I want to cry, and my mind says,

“Not here.”

There are oldies playing that remind me of the very old days when Auntie was young, and our mother was alive and neither me, nor my mind, can picture the two of them together, as if where there was one, there wasn’t the other, and I know this isn’t true, because Auntie visited her twin often. Yes, Auntie is our mother’s twin.

the twins

Now it’s so sad because this could be our last visit to Cleveland with Auntie as our reason to go, and my mind is saying,

“Don’t think that now, not now.”

I want to cry now, rid myself of tears, so that I don’t cry at all in Cleveland. Auntie, when she leaves us, will join her twin and all her siblings. They will be young, possibly children, and they will be happy. They could be adults, reunited with lost spouses.

My mind says,

“They should be children. That way spouses who are not missed, will not look sadly on happy reunions.”

I agree. Yes, they should be children. All smiles, all happy. I like that image mind, I’ll go with that one.

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Behind the Gates of a Controlled Mind

So we’re in our kitchen making bacon and cinnamon pancakes for breakfast. We cheat a little, not wanting that complete boxed mix, but instead she  uses Bisquik flour. She adds, an egg, and 1/2 cup of milk per instructions, then adds grated cinnamon and 2 drops of honey and 1/4 teaspoon of vanilla extract.  Hot fluffy pancakes. Crispy bacon.

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I’m thinking on how I’ve been in the recesses of her head all our life. I understand this because there have been dark, scary places we’ve gone. Been forced to go. Take the hand of a child, gently in yours, and if not taught better, all her young life, she will follow. So I didn’t fight the closed gate, even now with this freedom, there are things that go deeper, than my depths.

wpid-20150604_110649.jpgWe only have scraps of memories of the night mom was killed. We were there, but like our incidences of sexual abuse, the memories are snatches.
So now, I am the keeper of the key that unlocks the gate, and though I’m not as frightened as she is, I am wary. I peek and peer inside this darkness. I reach out and feel first, least I stumble onto a memory neither she, nor I, am ready for.

Hello world!

Windshield night view

I have broken free. Let me rephrase that. She has set me free. I am the ‘her’ who does not hide, who will not bite our ‘collective tongue.’ There will be warm and fuzzy here, but there will be cold and jagged. There will also be shards of glass on a path that will hopefully, be frequently traveled, so please watch your step. There will be an ongoing series of an online relationship between us and a person who has captured our heart as no one has ever captured it before. This will be raw posting because we will be cutting and pasting the actual conversations. Spoiler alert, there is a 35 year age gap between us and this person, and we wouldn’t be making a note of this if we were the younger one. The we, and us on this blog is ‘her’ who has her own blog here on WordPress, and me, who is her ‘mind’, keeping us honest. So the texts we’ll be posting will be, what Chris (our person) says, what she says, and what I am thinking. Other conversations between me (her mind) an her, take place in our kitchen, so we’ve dubbed these posts, Kitchen Blogs, with different subtitles. Most of this will be Chris related, but there are other men in our life, and you’ll learn about them in the kitchen, or other rooms. So come on and join us, let’s see what’s going on, and also, what’s cooking.